Friday, September 30, 2011

The Thought That Won't Let Go

I'm sitting in near darkness. There is one other in the room, but I don't know her name. I just hear typing and clicking. Silence. Type, type, type. Click. Silence. A sigh. Something has compelled her to stay up late in the only room here that has WiFi. I know something is compelling me.

It is so peaceful here. I should be so pleased to be included in this event. I should be in my room making friends with my roommate or resting so that I can be fresh for the workshop in the morning.

But I just keep hearing it in my head...

Embarrassing. You are embarrassing.

How many years ago was I first flat-out told that I was embarrassing? Did I ever really understand why? What is so wrong with me? Is being a child of the Almighty God not enough to make me acceptable?

I'm not beauty-pageant gorgeous. My sense of humor and my sense of timing are off. The cool kids don't want me at their table. Am I a geek? A nerd? A dweeb? I don't actually remember what the preferred term was back then.

Was that enough to not even acknowledge my existence?


Yep. Your life surely would have fallen apart if you had to face embarrassment. The supposed love you had for me was not even strong enough for you to let me ride in your car with you. What if they see...?

I practically worshiped you. I used to think that the way you treated me might be God's punishment because I worshiped you instead of Him. I'm not so sure I think that way anymore.

Your embarrassment because of me really broke her heart, you know? She would never tell you. That was not her style. I think she might have even wondered if she embarrassed you. It doesn't matter now. There is nothing that either one of us could do to hurt her anymore.

Now, maybe we can pass your feelings down to a new generation.

Embarrassing. You are embarrassing.

No, I am not embarrassing.

I am your sister.


  1. Who is the other person in the room I'm so curious! Am I missing something? It gave me a really clear mental picture, but I couldn't get it. Curious blog!

  2. I really don't know who she was. We are at a retreat and she was just there. I wasn't talking to her though. The sibling I was addressing will probably never read this blog. Probably doesn't know it exists.


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