It's Not An Event - It's A Process

What was I thinking? Really - what was I thinking? Did I expect that I would just tell my truth and then everything would be all better? We all came together as a community for Tamara's project and it was so awesome to know we weren't alone. But...

But the Father of Lies...he was not happy with us trying to walk down the path of healing together...or at least he sure didn't want me on that path... So in the midst of trying to heal and hear God's voice, I end up in the middle of spiritual warfare. This is what makes me not want to tell my truth sometimes. I know - I know - that the attack is going to come. The lies are going to start pouring into my head. And I think, maybe if I sit really still and don't say anything, he will leave me alone. He might, you know. But then I will have been immobilized. Isn't that what the enemy wants?

As I read the essays in the Community Collection, the little voices started. "You thought you told your truth, Carolyn? Well what about..." "Did you forget exactly how soiled you really are? What do you think this will accomplish?" Faces started to flash in my mind. Faces of ones I had tried to forget. Faces of the ones that I still try to protect and say that it was all my fault. Faces of the ones who are Facebook friends so I stay silent for fear of an attack. It's so easy to tell myself that since I had a part in it that I should just take the full blame. I gave away my innocence and gained culpability. It's so easy to believe the lies.

An Answer For A Friend

The other day I wrote here on the blog that I was “childless not by preference but out of absolute fear and disobedience.” My dear friend Rebekah mentioned in the comments that her becoming a mother was out of rebellion and disobedience and she said she would like to hear my story. It’s obviously been a few days that I have been pondering this and I think I’m ready to write.

My first thought was how I was going to tell the story without giving out sordid details of my sinful life. Then I wondered what the point of the exercise would be anyway. I know that I had told God that I would be obedient in writing about the lessons He has taught me. And this lesson is one that I finally figured out recently, so it’s applicable to my pledge. Sometimes I don’t even worry about what God might use my essays for, but this time I wanted to know. The only thing that came to me as I turned this idea over and over is that disobedience and fear do not outwardly look the same on each person. Instead of comparing our insides to other peoples’ outsides, we might need to come along side of them and know them better. We might be able to help someone through a struggle that was not apparent at first glance. So with that thought in mind, let us start at the beginning.