Monday, September 19, 2011

Please No

Luke 3

16John answered them all, “I baptize you with water. But one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. 17His winnowing fork is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his barn, but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.”

Hebrews 12

 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Oh Lord, my Father God... Word who spoke me into being... Abba...

Please... no... this baptism of fire burns so hot... I know the chaff is there, but the threshing, Lord, is so painful... you have asked me to stay accountable before these witnesses and I am here... You have asked me to throw off the sin that easily entangles... but it is hard to throw off something that you are entangled in... I'm already weary and losing heart... please no, Father... can't we leave this one thing alone? Oh please... It hurts to think about it... the Light You are shining on it hurts my eyes... and the do you scorn shame that is attached to you like a second skin? Jesus, I cannot endure as You have endured... oh Father, please no...

This is my heart this Monday morning. When God asked me to stay accountable by writing, it never occurred to me what things He was going to hold me accountable for, whether I wrote about them or not... we have reached a stronghold that I cannot even bring my eyes to look at... it might not be the worst anyone has ever faced, but it is mine and...

About a week before Mama died, the rehab facility called and told us to meet her at the Emergency Room. They didn't really say what was wrong. They just said hurry. When we got to the little room in the ER where she was, we were met with the sounds of pure anguish. Mama was clutching her side and crying out, "No, no, no... it hurts..." The medical staff could not get her coherent enough to say what hurt or where exactly. Daddy and I sat there and just listened to Mama cry out in a voice that we had never heard, "no, no... it hurts..." The call had come in at bedtime and we were there at the ER until dawn. There were times of reprieve when they got enough morphine into Mama to calm her down. But it never lasted long enough and she would start crying out again, "no, no, no... it hurts".

Even though Mama talked to us a few more times that week before she slipped into unconsciousness for the final time, she was never able to tell us what that episode was all about. Right now the soundtrack in my head is her voice, becoming my own, crying out, "no, no, no... it hurts..." And I don't want to talk about what is causing it. Yet He is chasing me... He puts the little reminders everywhere...

All I can ask Him is, "please no..."

Have you prayed that prayer before? Is it just me?

Linking with Jen at Finding Heaven and the rest of the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood.
(click on photo to go check it out)


  1. Oh, precious friend. I am in tears as I write this. I literally *feel* your pain. I know how hard this is going to be for you, just based on the little tidbits you've fed us on the Mission Board. I know it's going to be hard. My story is hard, too, and when I tell it - *really* tell it - it is going to suck right out loud.

    You can do this. Your story reflects the beauty of who you are now...who you've always been, Carolyn.

    You're too far away for me to wrap my arms around you but just know that in my spirit, I am hugging you so tightly right now! I love you and I am standing with you as you go through this next trial by writing. You can do this, I have faith!

  2. I have been there too. I know how hard it is... I will pray for you today. We haven't met, but we are sisters in Christ. May God be your comfort and strength to do what needs to be done. Blessings to you.

  3. Carolyn,

    It's so hard in the blog world to articulate what in real-life would amount to a long hug or hand holding or empathy shared in the eyes. But the essence is that even when you say "please, no" we are standing with you, offering His protection, His grace, His love even when you feel ashamed and uncovered.

    Isaiah 43:2 has come to my mind for you: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.


    PS Perhaps it's time for some cheesecake?

  4. Carolyn,

    Have I ever said no? Yes, many times. I still say it.

    Wish we could hang out and I could hear more. Just said a short prayer for you, my friend.

  5. I am so sorry. I pray, as I write, that God gives you comfort and peace. I pray those horrific memories will grow dim as they are replaces with memories of the good times of your mother. May He hold you tight and whisper just how much he loves you


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