Please No

Luke 3

16John answered them all, “I baptize you with water. But one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. 17His winnowing fork is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his barn, but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.”

Hebrews 12

 ¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Oh Lord, my Father God... Word who spoke me into being... Abba...

Please... no... this baptism of fire burns so hot... I know the chaff is there, but the threshing, Lord, is so painful... you have asked me to stay accountable before these witnesses and I am here... You have asked me to throw off the sin that easily entangles... but it is hard to throw off something that you are entangled in... I'm already weary and losing heart... please no, Father... can't we leave this one thing alone? Oh please... It hurts to think about it... the Light You are shining on it hurts my eyes... and the shame...how do you scorn shame that is attached to you like a second skin? Jesus, I cannot endure as You have endured... oh Father, please no...

This is my heart this Monday morning. When God asked me to stay accountable by writing, it never occurred to me what things He was going to hold me accountable for, whether I wrote about them or not... we have reached a stronghold that I cannot even bring my eyes to look at... it might not be the worst anyone has ever faced, but it is mine and...

About a week before Mama died, the rehab facility called and told us to meet her at the Emergency Room. They didn't really say what was wrong. They just said hurry. When we got to the little room in the ER where she was, we were met with the sounds of pure anguish. Mama was clutching her side and crying out, "No, no, no... it hurts...it hurts..." The medical staff could not get her coherent enough to say what hurt or where exactly. Daddy and I sat there and just listened to Mama cry out in a voice that we had never heard, "no, no... it hurts...it hurts..." The call had come in at bedtime and we were there at the ER until dawn. There were times of reprieve when they got enough morphine into Mama to calm her down. But it never lasted long enough and she would start crying out again, "no, no, no... it hurts...it hurts".

Even though Mama talked to us a few more times that week before she slipped into unconsciousness for the final time, she was never able to tell us what that episode was all about. Right now the soundtrack in my head is her voice, becoming my own, crying out, "no, no, no... it hurts...it hurts..." And I don't want to talk about what is causing it. Yet He is chasing me... He puts the little reminders everywhere...

All I can ask Him is, "please no..."

Have you prayed that prayer before? Is it just me?

Linking with Jen at Finding Heaven and the rest of the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood.

(click on photo to go check it out)

An Answer For A Friend

The other day I wrote here on the blog that I was “childless not by preference but out of absolute fear and disobedience.” My dear friend Rebekah mentioned in the comments that her becoming a mother was out of rebellion and disobedience and she said she would like to hear my story. It’s obviously been a few days that I have been pondering this and I think I’m ready to write.

My first thought was how I was going to tell the story without giving out sordid details of my sinful life. Then I wondered what the point of the exercise would be anyway. I know that I had told God that I would be obedient in writing about the lessons He has taught me. And this lesson is one that I finally figured out recently, so it’s applicable to my pledge. Sometimes I don’t even worry about what God might use my essays for, but this time I wanted to know. The only thing that came to me as I turned this idea over and over is that disobedience and fear do not outwardly look the same on each person. Instead of comparing our insides to other peoples’ outsides, we might need to come along side of them and know them better. We might be able to help someone through a struggle that was not apparent at first glance. So with that thought in mind, let us start at the beginning.