The End

I've been reading many year-in-review posts this week, but I am too exhausted to even think of writing my own comprehensive reflection. This past month has not treated my family and friends kindly, so the end of my relationship with 2011 is more of a bad break-up than a sweet parting. 

However, please do not think I am ungrateful for the gifts I have been given this year. God has blessed me richly with the rekindling of some old friendships and the sweet surprise of some new friendships. The online community has been incredibly welcoming to me and my little blog. I was blessed to meet some of my blogging friends in person this year. 

I have also have received an incredible amount of support from my dear, near friends and from loved ones far away. I would not have made it through 2011 without the outpouring of love that has come my way. My hope is to spread that love around because it is too precious a gift not to share. 

Let me just say a quiet goodbye to 2011 and a welcome to 2012. May this new year see you all richly blessed.

Five Minute Friday - Open

On Fridays around these parts we link up with Lisa-Jo and we stop, drop, and write.

For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

Won’t you join us?   


1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. Most importantly: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:

Open...

GO!

Ah, it seems that I am having another "opposite day" with the Gypsy Mama. She wants us to write about "open" when I feel closed off. Would that I could wave a wand and make it different.

I need to be open. I need to be very open - to change, to new ideas, to the path God is leading me down. I need to be open to receiving what He needs to give me for this next leg of the journey. It will not be easy, I know, so being open to His wisdom is going to be paramount.

I need to be open to trying new things - new foods, new social situations, new ways of thinking about my life. I am trying to surround myself with people who can teach me about these things and people who can just love and support me while it is happening. 

I need to open up my heart to the people around me and share the love that God has given me for all of them. It sounds easier than it is sometimes. But that is what I want - for the people around me to FEEL the love I have for them - not just know about it in their minds. What amazing things could happen if I opened up my heart.

God, open me up. I am Your vessel. Open me to whatever You need me to do for Your work. And bless those around me who are trying to be open to You as well. May the journey be smooth for them. 

In Jesus name, Amen.

Stop

As always, I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo, the Gypsy Mama, and the rest of the gang for Five Minute Friday. Definitely go check out what other people are saying over there!

Salvation Across The Border

Muddy Jesus by Ian Moore

Jesus lived in a ramshackle shack

with a fat New Orleans junkie

A charismatic cholo soul

Some say was born plain lucky

He'd cruise the streets of Juarez

In his low cut El Dorado

Divine command and oil slick hands 

A brash and bold bravado

Mother Mary said your time has come

The river's wide but can be fought and won

For the very love of God and man

Jesus cross the Rio Grande

Jesus fell in step with a group

of high-powered Federales

Who set him down and formed their plan

through a haze of cold Tecates

Judas said now Jeez I know

you're prone to walk on water

But if you swim downstream

there's a better chance

that you'll make it across the border

Mother Mary said your time has come

The river's wide but can be fought and won

For the very love of God and man 

Jesus cross the Rio Grande

Jesus made his run on a hot

and humid Friday night

But his vision was blinded

by the bright El Paso lights

He never saw the shot

That left him short of freedom's land

But the faithful they're still waiting

for the coming of their man 

Mother Mary said your time has come

The river's wide but can be fought and won

For the very love of God and man 

Jesus cross the Rio Grande

Ian Moore is a memory from my short drinking history. I used to see him play at the Continental Club down on South Congress Avenue in Austin. I would see him standing there before the show, just hanging out. Nobody around him and almost close enough to touch. I could have walked up to him and started a conversation, but I was a 'fraidy-cat. (I also missed out on meeting Lenny Kravitz once just because I was in my PJs. What is wrong with me?) I just admired him from afar and danced like a wild thing when he was singing.

A couple of years later when the song "Muddy Jesus" came out, I remember the little fundamentalist that still ran around in my head saying that Ian should be whipped with a Bible belt for being blasphemous, irreverent, sacrilegious, and five other bad things. The music lover in me was feeling the rhythm of the song move through my body. I think the music lover won. (I did not really want to mess up Ian's good looks by whipping him anyway.)

Desde el Monte... Christmas Break

Over the course of my short time in Uruguay, I was introduced to many experiences that were different from my life in Texas. Also, since Uruguay is south of the Equator, Uruguay was having cold weather just as Texas was really heating up. The seasons we associated with certain holidays were exactly opposite for them. It was all just very different.

There is one thing that was not different, though. It was not different then and it is not different today. Jesus chose to become a man through a lowly birth so the He could redeem every one of us. His blood was shed for me, for the citizens of Uruguay, for Kimenyi (the little boy in Rwanda that we sponsor), for the homeless guy we gave a dollar last night, for Casey Anthony, for Kim Jong Il, for our "enemies", and for every human who has drawn breath. He wants all of us. Jesus was desperate enough for a relationship with each of us that He went to the most extreme lengths possible.

I think that is the most important thing that I can remember today, and therefore it is the most important thought I could convey to you at this moment. The God of Love sent His Son to beat a gruesome death so that EVERYONE could have hope in Him. 

So Merry Christmas, and God bless us, every one. 

Everybody's Happy

My precious Mama was a gentle soul. She was the quiet complement to my Dad's gregariousness. She rarely ever said a harsh word, even when we deserved it. She loved Jesus, read her Bible regularly, and prayed for her family and many others. She loved people by cooking for them. She also shared her talents by sewing, quilting, and painting for us. She nursed us when we were sick and when we were just whiny. She was good at adjusting to most any situation just to make it easier on those around her. She still wrote out and mailed letters to loved ones, because she liked communicating that way and because she knew how special it made people feel when they got a piece of mail that was not a bill. 

Something else that Mama was good at was being my Mama. She understood my strengths and weaknesses. She appreciated my quirks. She knew to just smile and nod when I said, "Guess what, Mama?". She did not begrudge me the emotional fragility that came with my genetic personality. She never gave up on me even though I fell on my face quite often. She knew that even as an adult, I still was thrilled when she made me a heart-shaped bologna sandwich for Valentine's Day. She knew how to get rollers (hot or wet) to stay in my wavy-only-in-places hair. She welcomed my friends into our home with a hug even if she was meeting them for the first time. She forgave me over and over and over again for transgressions great and small. She treated my husband as her own son and loved on his kids and grandkids whenever she had the chance. She rocked my baby puppies to sleep. She answered my phone calls in the middle of the night when I was crying so hard that I could not breathe and was not able to tell her what was wrong. She constantly went without so that I could have what I needed and what I wanted. She paid for me to have my hair dyed purple, then pink, and then burgundy. She laughed at my stupid jokes. She went with me to movies that she did not enjoy just so she could spend time with me. She loved being my Mama.

Second Chance Wednesdays - Part 15

Welcome back to Second Chance Wednesdays! It is once again time to turn to the People of the Second Chance's poster series, Never Beyond. If you are new to this campaign, you can read more about it and find links to all of my Never Beyond posts here.

***

Look at this face:

Grinch was a mean one, for sure. He also took his second chance before anyone really offered it to him. That takes guts. Could you do that? Could you be atrociously evil and do whatever was possible to ruin someone else's holiday and then turn around and say, "I get it now! Merry Christmas!". Would you be afraid of how that someone would respond to you? Would you let everything fester so that you did not have to apologize or make the first move?

I'm pretty sure that I have been on both sides of this one. I have gotten better at apologizing, forgiving, and reaching out, but there is much more work to do on my shriveled little heart. It might still be at least one size too small.

What about you? Do you need to reach out to someone this Christmas? Do you need to give or get a second chance?

Desde el Monte... The Violin

Previous installations of Desde el Monte...

Preface

The Beginning

Joy Bus

The Streets

The Beauty

Prayer (and a Poem)

The Culture

***

God graciously gave me many little gifts during my short stay in Uruguay. I probably do not even remember them all, because I did not write any of it down while it was happening. However, there are a few of these gifts that I remember clearly and want to share them with you.

Today, I want to tell you about three men who made a huge impact on me - Hugo, the Violinist, and Mr. Ramirez.

Meet my friend Hugo (pronounced Oo-go):

Hugo is originally from the South American country of Colombia, but back in 1999 he was a student at Abilene Christian University, which is how he heard about this particular mission trip. Hugo was blessed with the spiritual gift of long-suffering, which he showed by how he indulged my many requests. My requests were most often for translating services, which means that Hugo was often involved in my conversations rather than conversations of his own. As I said, long-suffering. 

Untitled

If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;

Blue for the tears, black for the nights fears...

The star in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.

I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.

If I stay here just a little bit longer,

If I stay here, wont you listen to my heart, whoa, heart? 

I don't want to talk about it, how you broke this ol' heart.
(Danny Whitten)


***

I am known for being talkative. I am known for being a wordy writer. I am known for always have something to say - always having a story to tell. I am known for telling people that it is okay for them to ask me personal questions. Ninety-nine percent of the time I give an answer, with plenty of detail at that.

Taking all of those things into consideration, I find my current situation uncomfortable because I just don't want to talk about it. I cannot even remember the last time I did not want to talk about something.

I know that God has asked me to write about my life for His glory, but tonight I just do not want to. I've been sitting here for hours trying to find reasons that I should be allowed to tell Him "no". It is now the wee hours of the morning and all I can think of is that I just do not want to write about things that are so raw and fresh. I do not want to admit that people have hurt me and I certainly do not want to admit that my emotional and mental responses to those hurts have been sick, sad, and dangerous to my well-being.

Five Minute Friday - Connected

On Fridays around these parts we link up with Lisa-Jo and we stop, drop, and write.

For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

Won’t you join us?

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. Most importantly: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:

Connected…


Go

Connected? I don't feel connected at all. And that is the saddest thing. There are so many people who love me and want me to know/feel that. They want to be connected to me. Amazing that they do, but thankful for that. 

I know why I am disconnected and it scares me and pisses me off a little bit. My eating disorder is in full swing right now. I have deprived my brain of so much nutrition that it is not making sense anymore. It scares me and yet I feel powerless to stop it. Charles - dear husband of mine - has found a way for me to get help. I guess other people helped find the place, but Charles is the one who negotiated and finagled to make it happen.

I will start treatment for me eating disorder on Monday. I won't be inpatient, but I will be there 10 hours a day and it is about a 30 minute trip each way. So I won't be here - connected to all of you - as much. But we can stay connected if we pray for each other, right? I hope so. I surely hope so.

That's all I've got. Hope it was 5 minutes.

Stop

As always, I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo, the Gypsy Mama, and the rest of the gang for Five Minute Friday. Definitely go check out what other people are saying over there!

My Long-Lasting Label

"You are the problem."

I've heard it before. I have heard it all of my life. I heard it again Sunday night. I am not A problem. I am The Problem. That has been my identity since infancy. Being The Problem has great power, if you think about it. I've been able to cause hurt and strife since before I knew those words existed. Who knew children could rule people like that and the adults would be powerless to stop it?

Of course, with great power comes great responsibility. I've had to try to keep up with all of the issues that I've caused and who was hurt by them. The list is extensive. Some of the issues came up without me even being present. Those are the ones that are really hard to keep track of.