Textures and Smells

Sometimes I see little old ladies with grey hair wearing the same kinds of clothes Mom used to wear and I get transported to random moments of being with her. I see her slightly-stooped posture. I smell her favorite perfume (Cotillion by Avon), and I feel her hand reaching for mine – for steadiness or for affection, it doesn’t matter which. 

I never was one to want to wear my mother’s clothes, at least not the polyester pants with the elastic waistbands. There were one or two of her blouses that I might try to commandeer, but it never felt right for me to utilize her wardrobe. It was the stuff of mom-ness, and I was just a child. For so many years, I have been just her child. Now that I have been catapulted into the realm of raising grandchildren that I inherited through my husband, I have skipped typical motherhood altogether and have to navigate the combined realm of parenting and grandparenting the same children all at once. I am often at a loss for how to proceed through this new maze I’ve wandered into, but slipping on a pair of Mom’s socks or one of her hand-painted t-shirts or sweatshirts can somehow make me feel like I know where I am going. She would probably laugh at that, because she did not believe that things held any power. Maybe the only power in it is God using those textures to jog the memories of times when I saw Mom model the loving ways of caring for others. 

I wish opening a bottle of Mom’s old perfume or brushing up against some fine polyester would bring her voice back with answers to any one of my current problems. For now, just know that if you see me asking a little old lady for a hug or inhaling deeply when one walks by, I am not stalking. I am remembering.

Thoughts Late in a Day

It has been a long 24 hours. There was drama in the extended family that made for a late night yesterday. We are hoping that the storm has passed. Sometimes it is just like being in the eye of a hurricane - it will come and hit you again once the eye has moved on. We pray for relief, but damage has already been done. Have mercy, Lord Jesus.

* * * * *
I have yet to do all my packing for my trip. Tomorrow I will fly to California to see my best friend Elizabeth. She is really more like a sister. Elizabeth was very much my parents' "third daughter". She was always introduced as such. She had her own room at our house until my parents downsized and moved. She had a stocking that we hung up at Christmas. She was in the family picture at my wedding. We have shared as sisters. We have fought and made up as sisters. We have faced life's struggles as sisters.

This trip is important for so many reasons. Elizabeth's birthday is tomorrow and mine is Saturday. We haven't been able to celebrate with each other in years. This will also be our first birthday without Mom. All of these "firsts" are so hard. Elizabeth was in the midst of a horrible bout of post-partum depression when Mom was sick, so she didn't get to come say goodbye. She didn't come to the funeral. She missed out on the rituals that go with losing a loved one. I will be taking her a suitcase full of mementos that were left for her. We will look at each of them and remember. We will probably cry a little. We will share gratitude for having been blessed with such a loving Mother. I might cry a little bit more.

This trip is also important because it will be my first chance to meet Elizabeth's first child - a baby boy born at the end of last December. He already has some teeth and I've never held him! I've been missing out! Hopefully he will have some wiggly cuddles for Auntie Carolyn. I will have plenty of smooches for him! God was gracious to send him to us.

* * * * *
Last year when I was having a hard time, my dear, dear friend Amy Peterson (make sure Eric sees how I wrote your name, Amy - inside joke) started sending me text messages at 4pm every day. Each text was meant to have me focus on God. I saved a few quotes and made a computer desktop screen out of them. They are still relevant and so I thought I would share them with you.

A) To-Do list: God is good ALL the time. He has a plan for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Pray for faith to own this truth.


B) Take just a minute. You are right where God needs you to be. He knows what He is doing.


C) Rejoice when life sucks. Don't get stuck in this moment. You owe God better than a pouty lip. Ask Him for the faith it takes to choose joy.


D) To do list: 1) lean not on your own understanding, but trust in the Lord your God who alone can redeem you.


E) You did not make it into God’s Kingdom by clerical error. You are here because He invited you and He intends to use you.


F) In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Every action was deliberate. No brush stroke an error. If you’re here, it’s on purpose.

Feel free to share these quotes liberally if they might help someone. Just please make sure to credit Amy PETERSON.  One of these days she is going to start paying attention again to her own blog and I will send you over there to bathe in her wisdom.

* * * * *
That is all for now, my lovelies. Blessings upon you all.

Mom's Testimony

Taking a break from our regularly-schedule Mercy message... ;)  A few days ago, I shared some of my grief over Mom. I think it is only appropriate that I share the Good News she shared too.

********

Both my sister and I spoke at my Mother's funeral. Suzanne spoke eloquently about Mom's legacy and I spoke (not as eloquently) about Mom's testimony. I want to share with you now what I shared at the funeral -- not because I wrote it. Not even because it is about Mom. I want to share it with you because of what Mom's testimony says about Jesus Christ. She would want you to hear the Message too.


* * * * * * * * * * *

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1)

Claris Shaw spent her life teaching her children about the Word. She taught us that Jesus was our friend, our salvation, and our refuge. She taught us that He was the Truth that would set us free.

In January of 2011, Mom started reading a 365-day Bible. She read every day, no matter what else was going on. On Feb. 5th, a stroke attacked the communication center in her brain. Her ability to speak, to comprehend, and to read was deeply affected. She lost memories. She lost vocabulary. She lost speech skills. She lost whole concepts.

The one thing that did not leave her was the Word of God and her love for it. A dear, dear friend would come to read the Word to Claris several days a week. Even when she was in pain or disturbed, calm would come over her as the Word was being read. Even with the loss of memories she still remembered passages that she loved and requested them. There was no power, illness, or tragedy that could steal the Word from her. Even after she had her second stoke, even after she was sedated, the Word was read to her and at each reading it was a peace that came over her. She had true faith in the WORD. The Bible says in both the Old and New Testaments that the Lord will never leave us nor forsake us. Jesus, the Word who spoke her into being, never left my Mom. This is the testimony of Claris Shaw. The Word is Truth. The Word is Life.

Grieving "With Hope"

It is the middle of the night. I have brought my little computer into Mom’s room so that I won’t disturb my husband or the dogs. It is not lost on me that my refuge at this moment was the home of the one who often gave me refuge from the storms throughout my life.

I awoke into one of those moments of terrible grief. I want Mom back so much that I can feel her arms around me. At this moment, that actually is more hurtful than comforting.

Several hours ago, my sister and I were talking on the phone about how sad it is that our family waited until Mom had passed to start learning how to take care of each other. Mom had even left a note with her final instructions about how the most important thing was “family UNITY’” [emphasis hers]. We agree with that now and sometimes say, “Mom would have wanted it this way.” Why was it so hard to do before? What a gift to her it would have been to show this type of caring when she was here to see it.

To post or not to post...

The past 24 hours has been hard. So do I post or just wait until I'm feeling "peppier"?  I'm trying out this blog thing, so I guess post it is.

Last night our Son and Grandson were in a car wreck. A car that was full of teenagers ran a red light and Son t-boned them. One of the teens was hurt badly and we don't even know if she made it through the night. Son is afraid to find out because he thinks that if she died, he'll never be able to live with himself. All of the many witnesses who stayed to help said that it was not Son's fault, but try to convince him of that... Grandson is very shaken up. He just cried and cried and kept saying, "I don't want those people to be hurt". If you feel like praying a little bit more today, please remember all those involved in the wreck. I have a feeling that there will be many long-range implications for all of them.

More expected but not much easier for me to deal with is that Daddy is leaving tomorrow.  He will be working in Yellowstone National Park for the summer and won't be home until late October. It hasn't been quite three months since Mom passed away and now he is leaving too. The man is 80 years old and had a small stroke in March. I cannot help but fear that we won't see him again. I know that is borrowing tomorrow's troubles. Jesus cautioned us against that, didn't he?

I guess I am still just raw from losing Mom. I don't want to in any way diminish the grief of my Siblings, but I envy them. I envy that they get to go back to their daily lives that didn't have Mom all over every detail and they get a few minutes of break from the hurt. Mom lived with me. Every square inch of my house is just covered in Mom. We bought this house with her comfort foremost in our minds. I don't regret a moment of it. I just want a little relief from feeling like I am on the side of a cliff with my grief waiting to push me over the edge. Even though I am functioning most days, that is how I feel. And because of that, I want my Daddy to stay right here and keep me from feeling abandoned. Self-centered but honest. Actually, I'll get up early in the morning and give him a kiss goodbye. But I hate to see him go.

I'm also carrying some other hurts with me right now. God is teaching me how to carry the load with His help. Its a little funny how He is using some totally unrelated (or they seemed so) events that have happened over the course of three years to mold me and make me. So often I feel like I have no idea what His plan is for me. So I get a kick out of seeing it all come together. I've learned through hard experience that I don't want to try life without Him (gets messy), so I have to trust that He has my best interests in mind. It sure is nice, though, to actually see that it was all in aid of burning the chaff away and getting to the good stuff.

So that is my un-peppy post for the night. There will be more good stuff to come for us. I know it. I'm glad we are all linked together. I'll be praying for you.