My Prayer

I humbly confess that I am often perplexed by the problems of life. 

Sometimes I do not seem to know which way to turn next. 

I pray Thee, therefore, to enlighten me by Thy Holy Spirit 

that I may recognize what is Thy will in every situation; 

give me the courage to decide every issue accordingly 

and to leave the final outcome to Thy direction.

From the prayer "For the Grace to Make the Right Decisions", 

My Prayer Book, Concordia Publising, 1957

I bought the prayer book for one dollar at Martha's garage sale. It had belonged to her late husband. I did not need it, but I really wanted to buy something just to encourage Martha, who was going through hard times. Indeed, months later Martha thanked me for driving Mama all that way to be at the garage sale and for buying a few things. I had put the book in a little basket that is next to my bed and rarely thought of it. I did not read anything in it until today.

A Stalker Poem For Amy

Thanks to that lovely writers' retreat that I went to, I have started to remember things about my past. It seems that my life as a "writer" did not start a few months ago when I began posting regularly on this blog. I had not thought about my other written pieces in years. They were just random blips on my radar and I had buried their existence deep in my mental library. There are some essays and published Letters to the Editor here and there. And then there are the poems...

Truth be told, I had a fling with poetry in my youth. There is a ring binder somewhere in the garage that has some really bad - really bad - poems about being emotional. Those were composed over the course of my high school years. I don't remember if I kept the composition book that I had to turn in for the poetry unit (all six long weeks of it) in Senior English. Mrs. Apple handed that back to me with a note in it that said, "get a publisher". I laughed at that. I was sure those poems were complete rot - especially the rhyming one about my tree. That was awful. 

There were another four poetry-filled months in the Fall of 1987. I was at college in Worcester, MA (nobody is sure why) and I ended up doing grunt work on the student newspaper. I also ended up with a crush on the poetry editor. So I dutifully turned in poems each week for his consideration. The weeks when I had a poem published in the two-page spread of verse and art were full of romantic daydreams. The week that the poetry editor let me know what he really thought of me was followed by a page-long poem entitled "Death of a Nice Kid". Two or three of my poems ended up in the staple-bound anthology the college published every year. I don't know why. Then I went home to attend the local junior college and my affair with poetry was over. 

Unlike many of my other relationships, there was no horrible, angry breakup to be burned into my memory. My affair with poetry just sort of faded away as I discovered young men from the Friendliest Cotton Pickin' Town In Texas. I definitely should have written about some of those experiences, but I must have dropped my pen when I picked up my lipstick and mascara.  

Years and years went by... fast-forward to 2011.

Thoughts Late in a Day

It has been a long 24 hours. There was drama in the extended family that made for a late night yesterday. We are hoping that the storm has passed. Sometimes it is just like being in the eye of a hurricane - it will come and hit you again once the eye has moved on. We pray for relief, but damage has already been done. Have mercy, Lord Jesus.

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I have yet to do all my packing for my trip. Tomorrow I will fly to California to see my best friend Elizabeth. She is really more like a sister. Elizabeth was very much my parents' "third daughter". She was always introduced as such. She had her own room at our house until my parents downsized and moved. She had a stocking that we hung up at Christmas. She was in the family picture at my wedding. We have shared as sisters. We have fought and made up as sisters. We have faced life's struggles as sisters.

This trip is important for so many reasons. Elizabeth's birthday is tomorrow and mine is Saturday. We haven't been able to celebrate with each other in years. This will also be our first birthday without Mom. All of these "firsts" are so hard. Elizabeth was in the midst of a horrible bout of post-partum depression when Mom was sick, so she didn't get to come say goodbye. She didn't come to the funeral. She missed out on the rituals that go with losing a loved one. I will be taking her a suitcase full of mementos that were left for her. We will look at each of them and remember. We will probably cry a little. We will share gratitude for having been blessed with such a loving Mother. I might cry a little bit more.

This trip is also important because it will be my first chance to meet Elizabeth's first child - a baby boy born at the end of last December. He already has some teeth and I've never held him! I've been missing out! Hopefully he will have some wiggly cuddles for Auntie Carolyn. I will have plenty of smooches for him! God was gracious to send him to us.

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Last year when I was having a hard time, my dear, dear friend Amy Peterson (make sure Eric sees how I wrote your name, Amy - inside joke) started sending me text messages at 4pm every day. Each text was meant to have me focus on God. I saved a few quotes and made a computer desktop screen out of them. They are still relevant and so I thought I would share them with you.

A) To-Do list: God is good ALL the time. He has a plan for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Pray for faith to own this truth.


B) Take just a minute. You are right where God needs you to be. He knows what He is doing.


C) Rejoice when life sucks. Don't get stuck in this moment. You owe God better than a pouty lip. Ask Him for the faith it takes to choose joy.


D) To do list: 1) lean not on your own understanding, but trust in the Lord your God who alone can redeem you.


E) You did not make it into God’s Kingdom by clerical error. You are here because He invited you and He intends to use you.


F) In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Every action was deliberate. No brush stroke an error. If you’re here, it’s on purpose.

Feel free to share these quotes liberally if they might help someone. Just please make sure to credit Amy PETERSON.  One of these days she is going to start paying attention again to her own blog and I will send you over there to bathe in her wisdom.

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That is all for now, my lovelies. Blessings upon you all.